Free as in Form

Gray Hairs

One day, in the not-too-distant future, it will be a rule of thumb that if you haven't had your first gray hair yet, you're too young to become a parent.

There is a different between "having kids" and "becoming a parent." Anyone can have kids. But becoming a parent is a staged metamorphosis, and very few people ever truly complete the transition. And the ironic thing is, those that do are usually too late.

And the REALLY ironic thing is, you don't necessarily have to have kids to start becoming a parent. The first few stages of the transition are eventually heaved upon everyone at some point in their lives, even if they've never had or even wanted children.

It's kind of like compulsory 12-step program. Or 7-step program, as the case may be.

1. Realize that you are not as mature as you could be.
2. Understand that finding maturity will lead to greater happiness.
3. Shed fear, pride, and anger.
4. Identify the priorities in your life.
5. Live according to those priorities.
6. Practice sacrificing short-term gratification for long-term happiness and well-being.
7. Recognize the stages of others, and guide them accordingly.

Many people have kids before step 1. Some make it all the way to step 7. The ideal time is somewhere between steps 3 and 4.

One cannot "plant" seeds of doubt, only shine light on them.

Too Hot

release me from this summer hell
as only autumn could
and let me drown in sights and smells
of burning skies and wood

29 losing scratch-off cards

Activist subway performer with acoustic guitar sings The Police's  “Spirits in the material world.”

Middle-aged man waiting for the train joins in with backing vocals to Madonna's tune of vaguely similar name.

Young Hispanic girls dance & clap along.

Some commuters look on in amusement, others in disgust.

29 losing scratch-off game cards discarded on the seat next to mine.

The Plan

Nature, explaining to The Mother, how things are going to work between her & The Child.

Nature
"You have sort of a symbiotic relationship at first, but then eventually The Child becomes independent, and eventually goes through the same process herself and she becomes The Mother."

The Mother
"Sounds good, sounds good. So, uh, how do I spawn this thing? Do I like, divide or something? And how do we manifest the symbiosis, exchange enzymes for a few years or something?"

Nature
"Ok. So this is how it works. She grows inside you for like nine months."

The Mother
"Inside me? Like inside me where?"

Nature
"Uhh around your abdominal region."

The Mother
"How does she get out?"

Nature
"Yes I was getting to that. You go through a process called "labor" which concludes with her exit from your body."

The Mother
"Are you serious? Alright, well I guess it gets better after that. Then what?"

Nature
"Then, now within her own small body, she begins to grow and mature. She will demand your attention as she does so, requiring constant training and disciplining, while also latching onto you, physically, periodically for sustenance. But that part only last a couple of years."

The Mother
"Oh thank god. And then what, I guess I get to demand her attention and care for a couple of years?

Nature
"No no, I meant the *physical sustenance* part only last a couple of years. You'll still have to train, discipline, and materially provide for her for the next 30 years or so."

The Mother
"You know, this is sounding more like a parasitic relationship than a symbiotic one."

Nature
"Well if you want to get *technical* I guess..."

The Mother
"No this is bullshit. Figure something else out, I'm not going along with this."

Nature
"But there's more!"

The Mother
"More for me?"

Nature
"Yes!"

The Mother
"This better be good."

Nature
"It is! You see, in spite of all this giving, all of this providing, all of this sacrificing that you, as The Mother will endure, you will actually feel as happy and fulfilled as The Child herself while you're doing it, because, *you will absolutely love her*."

Dear Husband,

I don't know if what I'm about to say is going to make me sound like a snob, but if it does, then I am.

There are some things you can buy the generic version of and it doesn't make a difference. Like canned black beans. It doesn't matter that one's a more expensive brand, it's not worth it, because it's the same shit with a different label.

But you see this pasta? This is some gheto-ass shit pasta. I know you want to save money, but you know, spoil me a little bit and spend the extra $1.20 on some Barilla.

All my love,
your wife

What's really important

Susan and I were on the verge of splitting when the storm hit. She was staying at her mom's a few miles away and when they started saying on the radio that there was going to be an emergency evacuation, all I could think about was her and whether she would be alright. I'd been calling the house but no one picked up, and I freaked. I finally got through on her cell phone and she was fine but shaken up... crying a bit and tell me she was scared. Her mom had gotten hit in the head by blown-out window and they were at the emergency room. Long story short, I did my best to calm her down, and now that things have settled down a bit and her mom's OK, we're going to meet for coffee this weekend and work things out. I guess when disasters like this happen, as tragic as they are, it helps you realize what's really important.

--

Jeff and I had just gone through a really bad break-up when the storm hit. I was staying at my mom's and a window blew out, hitting my mother. On our way to the emergency room they told us that the town was being evacuated. I was terrified, and then Jeff called. Even after all the crap we'd just been through, it was soothing to hear a familiar voice and I was glad to know that he was OK. My mom's doing fine now and I found a new apartment. This whole incident seems to have put things in perspective for Jeff. Even though our relationship is over, we're going to meet for coffee this weekend and I'm hopeful we'll be able to stay friends. I think we both realize that you can still care about someone even if a relationship isn't in the cards. I guess when disasters like this happen, as tragic as they are, it helps you realize what's really important.

The Tide

I was sitting comfortably, on the floor, of the ocean. As I looked up I saw the shadows of sea life float by-- sharks and schools of little clown fish and two great whales. I sighed and leaned back when I saw you swimming toward me and my heart leaped. You were reaching for me, coming down from above; I raised my arms and stood up, lifting myself from the ocean floor to rise and meet you in the cool water. We were held tightly by the ocean and cradled each other. I'll never forget the feeling of your arms around me.

It was time to come up for air. But as I tried to swim upward, we seemed to only fall. I thought you were pushing me down, and wondered if that was your intention. Whichever direction I chose felt like a struggle. Perhaps you preferred to live on the ocean floor. Perhaps you were injured and needed me to be strong enough for the both of us to rise to the surface. Or perhaps it wasn't you at all, but the tide against which I struggled; and I struggled, until I ran out of air. And as I died, all I felt was immense love, and gratitude that you held me and never let go.

and back again

twists of time that twist away
and keep the demons past at bay
if only dreams were just as real
as floating sounds from far away
and so I'm told what's here is not
I thought I'd learned, but I forgot
when all is strange and all is done
this life has only

just begun

and back again.

--

Better to be a wise dropout than an educated fool.