Free as in Form

Dear Husband,

I don't know if what I'm about to say is going to make me sound like a snob, but if it does, then I am.

There are some things you can buy the generic version of and it doesn't make a difference. Like canned black beans. It doesn't matter that one's a more expensive brand, it's not worth it, because it's the same shit with a different label.

But you see this pasta? This is some gheto-ass shit pasta. I know you want to save money, but you know, spoil me a little bit and spend the extra $1.20 on some Barilla.

All my love,
your wife

What's really important

Susan and I were on the verge of splitting when the storm hit. She was staying at her mom's a few miles away and when they started saying on the radio that there was going to be an emergency evacuation, all I could think about was her and whether she would be alright. I'd been calling the house but no one picked up, and I freaked. I finally got through on her cell phone and she was fine but shaken up... crying a bit and tell me she was scared. Her mom had gotten hit in the head by blown-out window and they were at the emergency room. Long story short, I did my best to calm her down, and now that things have settled down a bit and her mom's OK, we're going to meet for coffee this weekend and work things out. I guess when disasters like this happen, as tragic as they are, it helps you realize what's really important.

--

Jeff and I had just gone through a really bad break-up when the storm hit. I was staying at my mom's and a window blew out, hitting my mother. On our way to the emergency room they told us that the town was being evacuated. I was terrified, and then Jeff called. Even after all the crap we'd just been through, it was soothing to hear a familiar voice and I was glad to know that he was OK. My mom's doing fine now and I found a new apartment. This whole incident seems to have put things in perspective for Jeff. Even though our relationship is over, we're going to meet for coffee this weekend and I'm hopeful we'll be able to stay friends. I think we both realize that you can still care about someone even if a relationship isn't in the cards. I guess when disasters like this happen, as tragic as they are, it helps you realize what's really important.

The Tide

I was sitting comfortably, on the floor, of the ocean. As I looked up I saw the shadows of sea life float by-- sharks and schools of little clown fish and two great whales. I sighed and leaned back when I saw you swimming toward me and my heart leaped. You were reaching for me, coming down from above; I raised my arms and stood up, lifting myself from the ocean floor to rise and meet you in the cool water. We were held tightly by the ocean and cradled each other. I'll never forget the feeling of your arms around me.

It was time to come up for air. But as I tried to swim upward, we seemed to only fall. I thought you were pushing me down, and wondered if that was your intention. Whichever direction I chose felt like a struggle. Perhaps you preferred to live on the ocean floor. Perhaps you were injured and needed me to be strong enough for the both of us to rise to the surface. Or perhaps it wasn't you at all, but the tide against which I struggled; and I struggled, until I ran out of air. And as I died, all I felt was immense love, and gratitude that you held me and never let go.

and back again

twists of time that twist away
and keep the demons past at bay
if only dreams were just as real
as floating sounds from far away
and so I'm told what's here is not
I thought I'd learned, but I forgot
when all is strange and all is done
this life has only

just begun

and back again.

--

Better to be a wise dropout than an educated fool.

*phew*

You know, I used to worry that the questions I occasionally pose as inspiration for a possible story premise are "silly" or "goofy." But I'm not worried anymore, because I just came to the realization that the Arthurian Legends are just 80 different answers to the question, "What if you were a kid whose parents were always fighting. Also, they're deities."

Time to think

"I've been so busy lately, I haven't even had time to think!"

Have you ever been sick, or home bored with nothing to read and nothing good on TV, and found your mind wandering to strange places? Where did you start, and where did you go? Do you dwell on a problem, think about a person, ponder the conceptual?

Where might your mind wander if you had the next hour to do nothing but sit and think?

What if food and rest were not barriers, and you had an entire day?

A week? A month?

Would you become trapped in your own mind? Could you stand to be with yourself for so long without the distraction of outside stimulation?

Taken from a non-existent joke book for kids

Little Joey and his Uncle Bob sat in uncomfortable silence in the living room.

"Hey Joey, do you like jokes?" said Uncle Bob.

"Sure," said Joey, unenthusiastically.

Now Uncle Bob realized he'd put his foot in his mouth. All the jokes he knew were too dirty for an 8-year-old. He had to think on his feet.

"Ok, here's a good one. Two dictionaries escape from the library. While hiding, one says to the other," Uncle Bob could barely contain his smile during the dramatic pause, "one says to the other, 'what if thesaurus?' Ha!"

Little Joey winced and prayed his parents would be home soon.

Now that's love.

Sheila paced through the apartment frantically.

“Oh my God. I should order a pizza!” Earlier that day she had done some baking. Pot brownies for herself, and gluten-free ginger cookies for her husband. He was allergic to wheat and loved ginger, so she made cookies with real, fresh ginger and a gluten-free dough.

She’d eaten a brownie about 2 hours ago, and Robert continued to cram ginger cookies into is mouth. “So go ahead and order a pizza. Damn, these are really good.”

“Thank you!" she smiled, dialing the phone. "I’m glad you like them.”

An answer on the other end. “Dominic's. Can I help you?”

“Yes! I’d like to place an order for delivery.”

“Sorry, no deliveries after 9PM.”

“Oh no!” She turned to Robert. “They’re saying they don’t deliver now.”
He swallowed. “Gimme the phone. Hello?..”

As he spoke, Sheila thought about her lack of pizza and sulked. Damn! If only she had called earlier. It was OK though. She’d had fun talking to her husband. “I hope he goes to sleep soon so he can be refreshed for his big drive tomorrow...” her mind wandered.

Robert handed her the phone back and said, “Here, tell them what you want.”

“Oh cool! Hi! I’ll have a regular pie and a bottle of coke.”

“Ok, regular pie and a coke. Ten minutes. Thank you.” *click*

Sheila paused. “Ten minutes? How can they deliver in ten minutes?”
Robert had put his shoes on and stuffed another cookie in his mouth. “They’rf fnot, I’m gunnah phick it uph.”

She felt terrible. He had to be up early; he should have been in bed already, and now he was going out late to pick up a pizza just to satisfy her whim. “No! I didn’t want you to have to go out. Let me call them back and cancel.” She started to dial.

“No! Sheila, c’mon. Phlease don’t do that.” he said as he chewed.

Sheila was startled at how insistent he was. “Well, ok, thanks… but… why? Why would you want go out of your way for me like that right now?”

He smiled, revealing a mouth full of crumbs. “Youf mnade mne gingfer cookhies.”

A “Men in Black”-based Porno Film

These two ladies are like the men in black, but every time a crisis arises and the planet is about to be obliterated, the solution is that they have to have sex with the aliens. If a bystander witnesses something they shouldn’t have, they flash their boobs at them to erase their memories.